This is...

This is who I want to be:
Happy, joyous, wild and carefree.
Loved and treasured by all around,
Kissed and cuddled 'til heaven is found.

This is who I want to be:
Empowered and successful due to my abilities.
With love for my family and neighbours too,
Compassion and understanding despite my blues.

But alas, all I find
Amongst the ruin and rubble,
Is a girl raw and fresh
With a mind highly troubled.

She seeks a higher power
To give alleviate her pain,
Yet all she receives
Is that hurt over again.

This is who I really am:
Torn and confused, weary and drab.
No strength nor fervor to fight another day,
Just solitary silence in every way.

This is who I really am:
Lost and frightened in a place like a trap.
Expending all I have in hopes I'll eventually gain
The love and success that I seek, minus the pain.

**

I wish no implosion on any person. Nikki and I implode with disasterous effects. Our boys suffer the brunt and for that, I wish I could somehow find a way of expressing how I feel without taking it out on myself so harshly.

My poem is no more perfect than I am.

I'm a horrible person sometimes. I really can't stand the fact that I know I'm losing my temper, but I'm not totally sure why. I'm not totally sure whether it's justified.

I'm like a phoenix.

I soar beautifully for a while, then suddenly I EXPLODE. I burst into flames! I roar with the heat. Then I fade out. I simmer down to a flicker. Then all that it left, is a pile of ash. Solitary. Quiet. Peaceful.

Slowly...

Slowly... I rise. I rise. I am born again from my weakness and I truly become beautiful once more. Everything goes back to being the lovely way it was. As if nothing ever happened. Until...

I wish I could break out of this cycle. I just want to be happy. I've tried so hard to just let it go. To detatch myself. To no longer put so much energy into showing how I care. Be it love, work, friendship. It doesn't work that way. I am who I am.

Thank you for accepting that.

This is for the boyfriends that help us through the shit times, although you don't always know how.

xKx